Jonathan Blake Fostar :: Hulk Hogan Playing Pokémon “Blue Version” in Tampa, FL

HLK HGN walks up and down through the green grass. He is taking his pet turtle that he nicknamed Sasha after his favorite porn star for a walk. A wild animal appears out of nowhere! The scary monster is just a small purple rat. Sasha the turtle tackles the rat and kills it easily. He feels proud of Sasha the turtle and then a little bit sad for the dumb rat. He continues along in the grass. He likes it out here sometimes when the animals leave him alone. He sees some in-game characters standing on a nearby bridge. They are turning left and right and up and down randomly looking at something somewhere. He doesn’t have many friends so he starts walking towards them. Maybe one of the bridge people will be his friend. Another wild animal attacks! This time it’s a bird with big eyebrows. He already has two pet birds. He has nicknamed one Jenna after his second or actually come to think of it third favorite porn star. The other one doesn’t have a name. He likes birds but doesn’t have any room for another one so he just runs away. He walks out of the grass and over to the yellow bridge. The people are still standing in place looking in every direction. Sometimes they look at him. Have they recognized him? Do they want his autograph? But he looks different now. He has a baseball cap on and no crazy muscles. He wonders what the bridge people spend their bridge time thinking about. What do they want to be when they grow up? Do they want to be the best in the whole wide world? Do they maybe even want to be his friend? He approaches a pretty girl with a ponytail and big eyeballs. She says, “Hi! My boyfriend is cool!” HLK HGN feels confused because that is a strange thing to say to someone and then her pets attack. Sasha the turtle defends him taking little damage herself. After the fight the girl says, “I wish my guy was as good as you!” and gives him some money. HLK HGN feels totally weirded out and sad. He’s a friendly guy and doesn’t feel like fighting right now. Plus he already has a girlfriend. He sees a kid standing on a ledge nearby. He looks like a nice enough kid. He has a sweet backpack and brand new sneakers. Maybe he goes to a local community college or something. HLK HGN runs over to tell him what just happened. The kid says, “I’m a cool guy. I’ve got a girlfriend!” HLK HGN almost says a swear word out loud and feels very unlucky. The boyfriend’s pets attack him just like the girlfriend’s pets did and once again Sasha the turtle beats them all up. The kid just says, “Oh well, my girl will cheer me up.” Boyfriends and girlfriends say funny things when the other one isn’t around. HLK HGN thinks about punching him in the face but doesn’t. He doesn’t like punching things anymore even though everybody is always trying to punch him or get him to punch things. He’ll always be Hulk Hogan to everybody and Hulk Hogan is just some idiot who punches things. Whatever. He doesn’t want weird bridge people friends anyway. It’s nice enough just to be outside in video games sometimes. He walks up and down through the green grass by himself, and then up and down and up and down and up and down and up until the battery on his Gameboy Color runs out.